im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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