I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
