ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
