Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
