somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
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We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
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How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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