You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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