If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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