You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Randomize
