I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We were destined to go to rehab together
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
