i would punch a child for taco bell
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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