When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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