Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
