i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sorry my hands just texted you
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
