Define "chronic" masturbator.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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