I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
