Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
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Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
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Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
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