This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
