My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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