U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
