Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
