nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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