good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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