Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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