the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
