i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
