I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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