Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
