This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
