I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
