His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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