Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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