Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
