if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
