I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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