I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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