I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
