even my farts smell like vagina
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
