my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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