What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
