fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
