Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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