Im at strip club and am horny
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
