she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
