I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
