i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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