The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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