I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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