the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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