Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
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just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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