toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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