when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
