Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize