your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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