You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
