i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
