oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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