I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
